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Being Motherless or Fatherless is not an Option

Have you ever witnessed a mother with her small child in a shopping cart trying to get through the checkout line at your local grocery store?  It is nothing short of a magnificent feat.  As the mother tries to navigate the cart through the chute the child’s arms inevitably reach out to the rows of chocolate bars and other treats that are conveniently placed in the narrow confines of the chute.

The mother’s response is often to take the chocolate bar from the child and put it back on the shelf and the child’s response is to act up.  During this event, the lecture by the mother to the child might sound something like this:

You are embarrassing me and if you continue to act like this you will have to go out to the car and wait in there by yourself.

In the same scenario, if it were the father who is navigating the cart down the chute, the lecture by the father to the child would likely sound more like the following:

You touch that chocolate bar again and the police will arrest you because you do not have any money to pay for it.

Which of the responses is right?  The answer is, they are both right.  Children should be exposed to both types of responses.

The mother’s response, by focusing on the how the child’s behaviour reflects on her, teaches the child that behaviours affect relationships.

The father’s response, by focusing on a clear negative outcome for the behaviour, teaches the child how to be ready for the outside world.

Unfortunately, in separation and divorce, a parent can sometimes becomes absent from his or her child’s life.   Perhaps the parent who walks away from the relationship refuses to have any further contact with the child.  Sometimes a parent only rarely communicates with or sees the child and slowly drifts out of the child’s life over time.  Whatever the reason for the absenteeism, it can often lead to a child feeling an overwhelming sense of rejection and can be devastating to his or her self-esteem and development.  Therefore, in almost all cases, parents should be encouraged to stay involved with their children and to let the other parent stay involved as well.

Sometimes, however, there is nothing that can be done about an absentee parent.  Fortunately, children will fill the role that the absentee parent should be in with other adults.  Children can and do benefit from relationships with other adults who can serve as role models and provide them with experiences that would have been shared with the absent parent.  The bottom line for children seems to be that being motherless or fatherless is not an option, and as adults, we need to ensure that the roles are filled.

By Stacey M. Johnson
May 15, 2002